Dresses I Never Wear -
(an ode to dreaming)
A bit of a longer read, but if you stay until the end…
Poems I never write
Books I never read
Ideas I really liked
Shame beckons at the door
The life you had in your mind’s eye
The idealized version of the self
Was it really ever real?
It felt so real…
Alas…
The hope felt so clear.
“Oh, ya, I’ll wear this.
This is a pretty dress.
It’s kind of risky.
It’s kind of nice.
Maybe I’ll wear it when I’m feeling
Kind of edgy.
I think it looks like me.
I could wear it…
On some special day
Some day when I lose a little weight
Some day when I won’t sweat–when the air is clear outside
Some day when I tone up my arms
When I have energy for that
And this fabric won’t do this or that
Some day when I’m on a date
When I’m in an exciting place
Some day when wearing this color
Won’t wash me out
Because my complexion might change
In the sunlight.
When I get a tan
Oh, wait.
I’m trying to protect my skin
From these violent rays.
That’s too much sun today
I can’t believe I’m missing
Today.
For another day.
Looking at
What I really thought I’d want
Now I see,
I don’t want this dress at all.
“Contentment is such a great gain,”
They say.
What’s the secret to letting it in?
Letting it sit
Letting it rest
Take up the space
That envy tried to take.
Envy not of her or
That other girl
I can act like I don’t want to be them.
Envy of the future self
Envy of the self that was
Envy of what might
What could
What “will”
Come.
Idealization’s such a trip
It’ll catch you
Thinking
You’re dreaming of something
Truly good
Something in that moment
Giving you hope
Something showing you the way
Something making the pain go away
For a moment
But these mirages…
Will I ever learn to tell the truth?
Live in the present?
Like they say is best?
What will happen to my dreams
If I don’t idealize
If I don’t ideate
Create
A world
That is better than right here?
I don’t want to try to make it stop
Because then flow will halt
But if I keep going like this
What will happen?
Will I flow into a stream that
Isn’t on my path?
Will I feed the dreams
Of a tailor
Without real tools
Of a carpenter
With no shop
A traveler
That never goes
A balloon that stays in the clouds
But never lands
Never experiences the promised
Land
This is all
Pretty bleak
Is this monologue coming simply
From all the people
Who don’t know how to dream
Crashing into my brain
Saying,
“Stop!
It’s dangerous
Up there.”
?
This is only a space for birds–
They’re trying to throw up a cage
To catch me in the clouds.
To catch me resting on the branch.
The tree is trying to tell me to plant
When all I know how to do is fly
Am I listless up here?
Is this flight unwieldy?
A boat without a dock
A kite without a string
Where will these ideas
Ever land?
Is there a place for them here?
Where is this place
Even
All I see is air
Nothing really
Resembling ground
Or even a place
Ah, at last
In this product-oriented world
The products of dreams
Are inertia
Motivation
And delight
They say to “Delight yourself
In the Ultimate
To receive the desires of your heart.”
So maybe this dreaming
Isn’t really wrong
Maybe it’s not taking me off course
Maybe it’s propelling me in flight
Giving me the gusto I need
To take another leap
Maybe it’s the wind at my back
Maybe this warped world of wind
Isn’t the place I’m yearning for
At all
Maybe it’s the popsicle
I need on this hot day
The one sparkle
In my eye
To keep me present
To the mundane
Just filled enough
With light
To smile at my neighbor
Instead of frown
To take a breath
Instead of crumple
Down
Maybe my computer running out of charge
Will help me type faster
Maybe this inertia
However false
Or fanciful
It is
Will remind me
On the right day
To wear the dress
Light the candle
Do the thing
When the time is right.
And even if that time isn’t now
The dream of it
Will produce the fruit
I need
To get right into that desired day.
